Retrograde Waters

Hello. I'm Rose, 20-something Nebraskan. If you want to know more feel free to ask, I'm not going to waste space here.
This is a personal blog that serves as a miscellaneous collection of things I find cute, cool, interesting, and enraging.
I know that all people are equal and deserve the same rights and respect, and I welcome everyone of all and any race, religion, nationality, gender, sex, sexual orientation, gender identity and expression, romantic orientation, age, ability, anything else I may have forgotten (let me know!) and any combination or absence thereof. I do NOT welcome discrimination and bigotry. If *I* say or do anything that is offensive or insensitive, please tell me! I try to consider everyone/different perspectives and experiences when speaking, but I could always make a mistake, and educating myself is a constant process: I will be grateful rather than offended to have small-mindedness on my part pointed out. It's the only way I'll know to correct it.
Thank you and have a nice day!
(Blog NSFW: strong language, various topics of discussion, and occasional images of anatomy and/or nudity.)
Posts I Like
Who I Follow
Posts tagged "asexual"


In recognition of Coming Out Day, I have scoured the responses to my Asexuality Questionnaires and compiled two posts regarding coming out and asexuality.

The first chronicles the experience of coming out as asexual.  The doubts and fear, the hopes and elation.  These are the stories of asexuals who have come out.

The second is a list of advice for coming out.  These aces have been there, and share what works and what doesn’t and what to expect if you decide to take that step.

I want to express my deep appreciation to everyone who has been responding to the questionnaires.  This literally could not have been done without you.  Thank you.

(via asexualadvice)




In chapter 4 of Understanding Asexuality, Bogaert discusses was one of the reasons that non-asexuals believe that aces can’t possibly make up 1% of the population:

A second explanation is that this skepticism reflects, at least partly, a human tendency to believe that everyone must be just like us. Social psychologists have labeled this bias the false consensus effect (e.g., Ross, Greene, & House, 1977). Thus, if I feel sexual, then everyone else must be sexual too, or just as sexual as I am. So, it is an understandable reaction that some people can’t believe in asexuality, because everyone, at times, is prone to these kinds of false consensus reactions. We all live in our little insulated worlds, and it is sometimes hard to imagine that something very different exists beyond it.

I got to thinking as I was reading this paragraph, and realized something: I’ve also experienced the false consensus effect…but from the exact opposite angle.

For the longest time, I thought that everyone else must be as asexual as I was. Of course, I eventually started figuring out that that wasn’t the case, after seeing more and more incontrovertible evidence to the contrary…but it only truly ‘clicked’ in my brain once I started encountering other aces online and discovering, yeah, the way I experience things with respect to sexuality really isn’t the norm. (And even now, I have to keep reminding myself that no, 99% of people aren’t in fact asexual, but perhaps that’s more autistic stubbornness than anything. :-p)

I know I’m not the only one who’s had this experience. It’s common enough that Redbeard included the following in Possible Signs of Asexuality, Part 3:

You thought that everyone else was just pretending to be interested in sex.

Many asexuals describe having a sort of “Emperor’s New Clothes” view of sex at some point in their lives: That everyone else is just pretending to like it simply because everyone else seems to like it, and they don’t want to be the only one who speaks out and says “No, I’m not really into that.” In this view, a sexually charged culture enforces conformity.

…Y’know, someone ought to do a survey on the false consensus effect among asexuals. I’d love to know how common this experience is.

I’ve discussed this a couple of times on my blog. While I never thought that other people were pretending to be interested in sex, I seem to have assumed for a long time that most people were as uninterested in sex as I was. It was only once I realized that this was not the case that I began to identify myself as asexual (though I didn’t know that word until much later). I’ve seen this called “the asexual assumption” and it seems to be a reasonably common experience among asexuals.

It took me the longest time to work out my own asexuality. I was always baffled by how most of my friends were so much more interested in sex than I always was. I don’t think I ever thought they were pretending, but it was a weird cognitive dissonance in my head.

Somehow, despite the prevalence of the “horny teenager” stereotype and teen pregnancy epidemic, it never occurred to me until I was maybe 19 that people my age were having sex. I managed to realize that not having any sort of sex drive by 17 myself was unusual while also assuming that no one else around me was acting on their desires. EVEN THOUGH THEY TALKED ABOUT IT. I honestly thought no one ever did anything more than hold hands and kiss! 

Swear to god, I was in some kind of invisible hamster ball of naivety that repelled anything that might contradict my innocent view of the world. 

(via thatfeministqueer2-deactivated2)






Ninny at Worldpride

Comments deleted because of anti-asexual bullshit. Seriously, you have problem with an out and proud ace being at Pride but don’t think MARIO is out of place?! Fuck you!

(via thatfeministqueer2-deactivated2)



Fight misconceptions about asexuality!

here’s an episode of sex+ covering asexuality with the founder of!



Fight misconceptions about asexuality!

here’s an episode of sex+ covering asexuality with the founder of!

(via thatfeministqueer2-deactivated2)


wow breaking news!!!

  • not all asexual people abstain from sex
  • being asexual doesn’t mean you don’t want to be in a relationship
  • it’s actually horrid to say something like “you just haven’t had good sex” or “you haven’t met the right man/woman/what have you yet” to an asexual person. WHO KNEW
  • asexual people can get married and have babies and still be asexual!!!
  • “oh, you’re asexual? i bet i can change things” NO. STOP.
  • asexuality =/= being a prude
  • asexuality =/= being innocent about sex
  • asexuality =/= never having sex ever
  • being an ace is ace
  • it’s rude to dismiss/not include asexuals in the queer community
  • asexuality REALLY DOES EXIST. pls stop saying it doesn’t!

in other words, asexuality is

  • a lack of interest in sex
  • lack of sexual attraction to others
  • not a joke

that is all please carry on. {feel free to add to this list if you want!}

Don’t forget “you’re not an amoeba lol” and examples of missing the point.


(via tommcready-archive)



There is a lot of hubbub, and frustration, and questioning, and triggering, and dismissal, and occasionally blatant assholery lately about the accessibility of safe queer spaces inclusive to asexual people, as part of being better allies to asexual people. 

I am a DMAB, trans* lesbian that exists on the edge of the gender boundary, one foot in and one foot out. The privileges I do have are white, monosexual, and middle-class, and I happen to not have been raped (none of these are default privileges for aces btw. if this comes as a big surprise fuck you). And I have no fucking problem welcoming asexuals into even the small spaces for intersecting minorities like myself, with no straight, cis, or male privilege, okay? I have no problem understanding that they have their pains too, they have their societal perceptions of having something wrong with them. YES, actually, there IS systematic oppression of asexual people, and the people that claim there isn’t are making it quite apparently. Yes, ENFORCED INVISIBILITY IS OPPRESSION. Check. Your. Fucking. Privilege. Even if you’re gay. Even if you’re trans*. God forbid we have a little compassion in our lives for people that have their own share of troubles. It just might strengthen the bonds and allies we have instead of staking out forts and blowing raspberries at anyone different—because that helps us grow and heal SO much.

And I know I haven’t been perfect, and I actually know I’ve made mistakes, like telling an asexual person once that I didn’t think I could be in a relationship with an asexual person. Did I realize that it was hurtful at the time? No. Did I apologize and recorrect my future actions after learning the possible effects of those words? Yes, because that’s what I’d expect and hope people would do for me if they say something that hurts me or a group I know that a statement is hurtful to.

Now tell me, cis gay people, who the fuck are you to say fuck off you’re not welcome here to people that, well maybe they have some things better off, maybe they don’t. Why bother judging someone by their orientation? If they’re an asshole that’s wafting privilege around and being hurtful, intentionally ignorant or unintentionally triggering and refusing to learn concessions, would you let them remain in your circle whether they were ace, OR GAY, OR TRANS?

OH or how about that asexuality as a whole INCLUDES TRANS* INDIVIDUALS, and INCLUDES HOMOROMANTIC INDIVIDUALS, and INCLUDES POC INDIVIDUALS, INCLUDES BIROMANTIC INDIVIDUALS, and INCLUDES NON-BINARY-GENDER INDIVIDUALS. And sometimes even multiple aspects among that. Or more. It’s a whole overlapping FIELD of people, some of whom have the same amount of privilege as the people bitching, and some of whom have less.

Further, this whole ‘asexuals have cis het privilege’ thing ignores the distinction between heterosexuality and heteroromanticity. Imagine that. Het/hetero being short for heterosexual. A sexual orientation. That doesn’t generally overlap with even the asexuals that like the opposite (dyadic) gender. 

And even if they do have the ability to ‘appear’ straight, so what? Are you going to kick a bisexual person out of your little exclusive club if they find that the person they’re particularly invested in is of the opposite (dyadic) gender, thus they ‘appear’ straight? I’m pretty sure I don’t need to go and find the monosexual privilege list right now, because I’d like to believe that anyone who has such privileges should make sure they’re aware of them.

And finally, if you want to talk privilege, how about I quote from something I read today.

Someone who found it a safe assumption to denote a person as a sexual person because it’s a 98% chance of being correct.

You bitch about cis het privilege? How about 99% of the people around you are correctly assumed to be different from you and you are assumed to be a part of that group every time someone’s eyes pass over you, and you are encouraged to remain silent, remain isolated, shut up about when you’re hurt, and told that you can’t interact with 98% of the people on the planet in a romantic capacity because everyone needs sex for a healthy relationship. Told that your most important relationships are just the same thing everyone else has plenty of, just glorified. 

That sounds like a whole lot like a privilege for that 98% to be aware of. So fuck you. Fuck you so hard and fuck you until you stop hurting people because gay, straight, trans*, ace, etc., if you’re harming a ton of people and erasing their pain, their trauma, their anguish, and ignoring your own privileges even as you LORD them over others, you’re not welcome on this blog. I don’t give a shit about what minority aspects you have, and I’m not saying you have to be nice and butterflies and pretty friendship ponies all the time, I’m saying DON’T FUCKING ERASE OTHER MINORITIES AND DON’T HURT AND VILLAINIZE (othering aces as cis heterosexuals is fucked up people!) PEOPLE THAT DON’T NEED HURT JUST ‘CAUSE YOU DON’T WANT TO ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR PRIVILEGE. 

Indeed! Just know, all of those who do get thrown out of the queer club that there are people out there who will welcome you. There’s a lot of in fighting in the queer/lgbt+/gsm community but there are people who are here for you and who understand.

I’d just like to say something about asexuals allegedly having hetero-passing privileges:

Is it a privilege to be invisible? Is heteronormativity, the assumption that you don’t exist or are WRONG, broken or damaged or ill at best, a fucking PRIVILEGE?

What is your logic, here? If somebody doesn’t date people of the same gender they “pass” for straight? Fuck you. Maybe you haven’t noticed, but in this lovely heterosexist society we live in somebody who displays no interest in the opposite gender is assumed to have interest in their gender. She’s how old and never had a boyfriend? Lesbian. What do you mean, he isn’t interested in women? CLEARLY he’s gay.

Just because somebody doesn’t have a same-gender partner to flaunt in straight people’s faces doesn’t make them a threat to you. Why should I have to defend my identity from angry queer folk just because I don’t look or act queer (ie be in a same-gender relationship, closet optional)? Do you see the problem with that logic?

I have no more straight privilege than any LGBTQ person who is assumed to be straight does. PRACTICALLY EVERYONE IS ASSUMED STRAIGHT UNTIL PROVEN OTHERWISE. Forgive me if I don’t introduce myself as “[name] the asexual” to every fucking person I meet. 


The rebloggable version, by request!

[Text: Anonymous asked: “Why are you posting asexual stuff on a SEX POSITIVE blog”

fuckyeah-sexpositivity answered: “Because, dear anon, sex positivity does not mean erasing or shaming the experiences of those who are asexual. 

Actually, I think we need to have this conversation. 

I actually am of the mindset we need more perspectives of asexuality within the sex positive movement. Because there’s an all too common mantra within our movement that goes, “Sex is beautiful and natural and everyone wants to have sex so it’s nothing to be ashamed of!” 

And I agree, sex is nothing to be ashamed of. But there’s one little detail there: not everyone wants sex or gets pleasure from it. They’re roughly 1% of the population. And with 7 billion people on the planet, 1% equals 70,000,000. Seventy million people is a lot of experiences to erase. 

So, roughly 70,000,000 people on this planet don’t want sex. Or they want sex in certain contexts. Or they kind of sometimes want sex but not often. Or they have sex to satisfy a partner, but don’t get much out of it for themselves. Or they have a sex drive, just… not towards other people. Or they can’t stand the thought of sex. 

And that’s okay too. 

Sex positivity for me is accepting that whether you have sex a lot, or you never have sex, whether you have a million kinks or you can’t stand sex outside the missionary position, whether you are gay, straight, bisexual, pansexual, omnisexual, sapiosexual, autosexual, objectumsexual, or asexual, the way you look at sex and attraction is valid and normal, as long as it’s not hurting anyone. 

So that is why I am posting asexual content on a sex positivity blog. And that is why I will continue to do so.”] 


(via fuckyeahsexeducation)




Laci is so great!! I’m so happy she touched on this.  Not only did David Jay make an appearance but it’s getting the word out on something that is rarely talked about. Plus they touched on Grey-A too which is an added bonus of awesomeauce!!

thank you!  david jay was such a sweetie about the whole “i make youtube videos uhhhh will you let me come interview you on camera?” thing.


(via ohdeargodwhy)




Also, anon is making the classic mistake of confusing the concept of ‘asexual reproduction’ with ‘asexuality.’ Because in the case of the former, you’ll notice that ‘asexual’ is an adjective, describing a kind of reproduction—specifically reproduction that occurs without sex. The ‘asexual’ is the without sex part. Not the reproduction part. That’s reproduction.

(via emptyness203-deactivated2013081)


I feel that the “everybody fucks” mentality in sexual health/sexual education communities is dangerous to asexuals, people with low/no libido, or anyone else who has little/no interest in actually having sex for whatever reason.  Here’s why:  When the person sees that, they immediately think “oh, this isn’t a place/community for someone like me” and turn away.  

But sexual health is more than STDs and condoms and how to have sex without hurting each other.  It also has to do with diseases and defects which affect the reproductive system, or having unusual reproductive organs, and that can happen to anyone, sexually active or not.  So these people are feeling unwelcome in a place that has information they might NEED.

It’s also just another tacit reinforcement of society’s idea of “Everybody wants to have sex with somebody, and if you’re not interested, there’s something wrong with you.”  I get that “everybody fucks” is a nice snazzy catchphrase, but that’s not true sex positivity; sex positivity also respects your right to not be interested in sex.  I think they could come up with something better.

(via fuckyeahsexeducation)